psycho

wow, that last one was an angry plea. not that a whole lot has changed, i still eat prolly way too much, but i'm also training for the marathon, so i feel slightly more justified (isnt rationalizing great?). so, i'm at UH now, been in classes for three weeks now. i'm teaching and being a student. i've even started research on my papers for this semester. hopefully, they'll be the foundation for two of my chapters for my paper. i've been learning some really interesting new theories, discovering new ways to look at history and nationalism. and my japanese is slowly coming along (i'm even thinking of adding a second language next semester, either german or chinese).
This is not to imply that i'm somehow bereft of homesickness. well, not exactly homesickness; i really love the weather and the big city vibe out here. and it's great being back in a college setting full time again. i've managed to make a couple of friends out here and i've also managed to stay in touch pretty well with older friends back home. ok, so maybe i'm just starting to have a mini crisis about my long distance relationship. basically, i'm scared. for my career, i need to be visiting japan next summer for language study, i need to get into and go to a great PhD program, and i need to have the flexibility to move around as much as possible as i look for jobs and continue studying. and somehow, amidst the research and the writing and the moving around, i want to have my boyfriend there the whole time. and its not impossible. one girl here is working on her masters while her husband finishes his PhD and they're gonna move where he gets a job. K and I have always maintained that we wouldnt let our relationship get in the way of pursuing our mutual goals. and thats part of why i've been so happy, because he hasnt expected me to curtail any of my ambitions, nor i his. i'm just worried that at some point, we're both going to have to compromise and if push came to shove, i'm not exactly sure what i'd do. i'm in love with him, to be honest i want to spend the rest of my life with him. i dont know if that's how he feels or not. i'm reasonably sure that he's going that direction, but you never know until its been declared ; ).
i dont know why i'm feeling so frustrated with him right now. i'm sure it has something to do with the fact that i miss him a lot, that he is a source of a lot of anxiety for me, and that he doesnt seem to have the same fears that i do. and so, its very easy to sublimate those feelings into being frustrated with him. for doing nothing. well, then again maybe that's the problem. i wrote him an email the other day kind of describing what was going on for me. it was a bit of an emotional outpouring, expressing some of my fears, but trying to come to terms with them. and i havent heard anything from him. not an email, a text message, a quick note saying he understands, or doesnt. just blankness. and i know we're talking tomorrow and i didnt mention anything about wanting him to write me back, but i end up all worried that i finally pushed him away. or that he cant reassure me. i dont want to seem needy (how can you be needy when you just moved thousands of miles away from the person?), but this is a time when i want him to be a source of security. and i want him to admit that he has some of the same fears (but then again maybe he doesnt; since i seem to be so trusting of him, i'm sure he doesnt have any reason to doubt my feelings). and i dont doubt his, per se; i just wonder sometimes if i'm delaying the inevitable. if the pain of being separated will only be an investment into an extremely painful break up.
aargh, i'm so confused. i dont want to break up, not at all. and i enjoy our conversations, but i feel like i'm missing that connection that we had when we were face to face with each other. that's where we could tell each other how we felt about each other. and somehow, i'm still hesitant about admitting a lot of those feelings. over the phone, we were never that expressive. we kept it much more to fun conversations. i think i can count on one hand the amount of times i've told him i love him over the phone. its like having a friend. i miss those times when we could talk about how special we were to each other. when it wasnt just casual conversation about what was going on in our lives. and i'm not sure if i or he avoid it because its painful (since we're not together), or if that's just a part of our relationship. for some reason, i always feel like i'm being too girly when i get into that mode. of course, maybe if i kind of start that talk then we can progress down it. i shouldnt be relying on him to set the tone for these things. hmm, i should try that out. i guess i worry that if i communicate with him too much, he'll think i'm being smothering or needy. not that he's ever given me that impression. but when he doesnt respond, i always worry that that's why.
god i hate the crisis of confidence that comes about after a big change in my life. oh well, i'm sure we'll survive this and much more.